BBC 6 Music Podcasts.
6 Music.
This is a free download from the BBC.
Find out more at bbc.co.uk slash 6 Music.
And now, Adam and Joe.
Watch out, it's Adam and Joe, coming from space to your brain.
They got a little pack of highlights from the 6 Music show for you to hear again.
They got rid of all the music and the bits of worrying
Hi, my name's Martin Filch.
Hey, my name's Jeremy Stench.
And I play Adam Buxton on the Six Music Radio Show.
I play Joe Cornish on the Six Music Radio Show and it's one of the most challenging roles I've had since
the other one.
Well this week was a very exciting show of course for my character because I had to pretend to get very upset about the fact that no one had voted for the character's song in Song Wars so my character Adam made a big fuss about it and said that he wanted to stop doing Song Wars and it was very funny wasn't it Joe?
It was very funny you did a good job but my role this week was also incredibly challenging because I had to pretend not to be quite
as bright as I really am.
I had to stumble and pretend I didn't know what to say.
Can I just say you did it brilliantly.
Didn't I?
You did it so well.
I totally believed that.
Thank you.
While you're doing that character, is he called Joe?
Yes.
I just believe that you are.
He's very complicated.
I've done an enormous amount of research.
But listen, enough of this hoo-ha.
Let's now have an extract from an earlier performance of ours, as Adam and Joe, from off the radio last Saturday night.
Marvellous stuff, wonderful stuff.
Watch out, here's another little bit It might be wicked, it might be one of the weaker bits But that's cool, I like weaker bits I can handle up to three
I was watching a good program on BBC4 this week about pop, you know their pop season they have at the moment, and they had some great interview footage of Morrissey on there.
It was a program all about sexuality in pop, you know, and it was a kind of history.
It seemed to be more or less through the 80s.
of all the different kind of sexy acts.
That's when they started, that's officially when they started bending the genders.
That's right.
The gender benders came out.
Well, they invented a new type of, you know, vice that could actually bend genders.
Yeah.
Oh, that's my favourite vice.
And Morrissey was on there, of course, because he's a sexy man.
They had some great footage of Morrissey being mobbed by male fans, but sort of lads, you know what I mean?
Like people in those kind of checked shirts with scary haircuts that you feel might beat you up if you looked at them the wrong way.
And they're all Morrissey fans, and they're jumping out.
Slightly rockabilly.
Right.
Well, not really rockabilly, though.
They look like sort of football thugs.
Right.
You know, not too... Was Morrissey enjoying it?
He seemed to be enjoying it.
Yeah.
Yeah, he liked it.
The way to do a Morrissey impression is to just jut your chin out.
Is that it?
Simple as that.
And then if you can do the Manchester accent as well, then that helps a little bit, but his accent's not that strong.
Mainly just jut your chin out, and then you sound like Morrissey.
Really?
That's a good idea.
It's sort of foolproof impressions.
Well, you had a Harry Potter one, didn't you?
Did I?
Yeah, Harry Potter's easy.
You just do a sort of a jimba jaw.
You stick your lower set of teeth out.
Oh, that's what I'm doing for Morrissey.
Oh, no, this is a much more toothy thing.
You stick them out so they overlap the upper set.
And then you just go, Dumbledore.
Like that.
And with Morrissey, you just go, Manchester.
Easy as that.
It's time for Song Wars.
It was a slightly premature jingle there, Ben.
You're not a trainee, but just to save your modesty I'm going to call you a trainee.
Because frankly that's the level of producing that was going on there.
He prematurely activated his jingle all over the shop.
Because I was going to say how fantastic that song is and how much I think we both here at the Adam and Jo Radio Show love Paddy McAloon.
And we're not sure where he is.
We think he lives somewhere in the countryside, somewhere a bit remote.
He's got a big bushy beard.
And he's a genius.
That's like me.
He's a bit like you.
Big bushy beard, lives in the countryside.
No, I'm not in any way like Paddy McAloon.
We did a TV show years ago where we had a thing that we did with pop stars where we searched through their record collections and we tried to get Paddy McAloon involved in it but he said he didn't want to do it because he didn't like judging other people's work in public.
which was a very good reason.
Nothing you can say to that.
Yeah.
Although we did get Thomas Dolby.
We did.
He loves judging other people's work in public.
Yeah.
But of course the Prefab Sprout connection is that he produced them for a few albums.
Dolby produced the Sprouts.
So he gave us a lot of good McAloon facts and stories.
Do you remember him?
Yeah.
Do you?
He was a good man.
I've got it all filed away in my happy pop memory box.
Now, it's time for Song Wars, of course, as the premature jingle indicated.
And last week, remind me what it was?
Last week's theme was instructional songs for children.
There you go.
And Adam did one all about brushing your teeth.
I did one about sort of the difference between right and wrong.
That's right.
I'm gonna be beaten this week.
I know for a fact.
Why?
It's not, I'm not saying that in a self-pitying way.
I really, I'm not.
I just know, I concede A to the fact that your song was probably better than mine last week, funnier, more effort had gone into it.
Mine was about, you know, I was happy with mine.
There was some good harmonies there.
I think it was very good instructionally about brushing your teeth and the importance of avoiding dental work.
But, you know, the fact that you were on form combined with the fact that I lose every week just bodes badly, I would say.
So shall we announce it?
Well, we've got such a huge amount of emails on Song Wars this week.
I haven't even had a chance to go through them all really, but here's one or two of them.
Um, Caroline Peoples said, Adam, your song was an improvement.
It sounded a bit like a blur slowly if they were to write about toothbrushing.
An improvement?
Is she the one that slagged me off last week about how my song was smacked of ennui and it was too long?
I don't know.
But she does say, I feel thoroughly ashamed of myself for being so scornful last week.
I think she was being rude about me last week.
I think she was rude about all of us last week.
Andrew Boniface says it's another vote for Mr. Joe this week.
That's very nice.
But both were really great.
Forget all the criticism from those spoiled, unappreciative listeners.
Song Wars must continue.
We were threatening to stop Song Wars for a bit last week.
Can we not carry on threatening?
We can carry on threatening.
Fiona Denny says, please don't stop Song Wars, even though its popularity hasn't been validated by a BBC survey.
I love it.
Yeah, that was very nice.
That's good.
Yeah.
Well, shall we announce the winner, then?
What were you going to say?
We should have some kind of jingle for this, shouldn't we?
To give it more excitement.
We did have a jingle.
It was part of the Star Wars thing.
It was the... Is that not loaded, then?
I don't know if it's still loaded.
We sort of abandoned the whole Star Wars jag fairly early on.
OK, here we go.
That's good, though.
The sound of you just ripping that is exciting.
Oh, dear.
Oh, shut up.
Oh dear.
What's that?
3%?
Does it say 3%?
Let's put it this way.
One of us has got 3%.
What?
The other one's got 97%.
Look, come on.
In this situation, we need to find those votes.
Well, in this situation, I want to have proof.
How many votes did we actually get in?
Are we talking 15 votes here?
In which case I can live with that.
While we play the winning song, we'll get a more accurate statistical breakdown of exactly what's happened.
Because while I can see that the toothpaste brush song, which was mine, was maybe not as good as yours, it was not 3% rubbish, alright?
So I want some facts now, okay, because this is getting ludicrous.
Anyway, let's hear the winning song.
Joe, would you like to introduce this?
Yeah, this is the right and wrong song.
It's about how to tell the difference between right and wrong.
Is it right to join a gang?
Is it right to kill a man?
Is it right to buy a gun?
Is stabbing people fun?
It's wrong!
This is a song about right and wrong.
Those things are wrong.
This is a song about right and wrong.
Is it right to read and write?
Is it right to be polite?
Is it right to work at school?
Don't ever play the fool.
It's right!
And those things are right.
This is a song about wrong and right.
Is it right to have a smoke?
Light a spliff or sniff some coke?
Is it right to deal crack?
There's nothing wrong with that.
It's wrong.
This is a song about right and wrong.
And those things are right.
This is a song about right and wrong.
Is it right to sit up straight?
Is it right to clean your plate?
Is it right to clean your room, learn facts about the moon?
It's right!
This is a song about wrong and right.
Those things are worse.
This is a song about wrong and right.
Is it right to happy slap?
Is it right to blap, blap, blap?
Is it right to trash your place, put your party on MySpace?
It's right!
This is a song called Right and Wrong.
Well, we've, uh, consulted, and apparently there were about... there were 37 votes for Joe's song, and there were four for mine.
I thought she said 60 votes overall.
No.
And on the text as well.
Was that... what?
So 60 included text as well?
Yes, and text as well.
Thanks, Ben.
Well, she said 37.
Why are you trying to increase your number even now?
I'm just trying to make it sound as if more people vote.
What I'm worried about is why I'm wasting my time doing a song each week.
Your songs in the past have been superb.
That was a good song, that Toothpaste Brush song.
You know where I think it might have, you know, it's very ignoble of me to say, but I think maybe you shouldn't have used the same backing track as the Meatballs song.
You've used similar tracks that I've used before.
And you've won on them.
Well, I don't know.
It's very, it's very tricky, isn't it?
Maybe some people are confused about which of us is which.
Yeah.
For instance, David Slater sends an email that says, uh, this week I vote for Joe.
I was impressed with his production, although I believe children should make up their own minds about euthanasia.
And so suggest the line, is it right to kill a man be changed to, is it right to kill a man who doesn't want to die?
Or something similar for the full release version.
That's fair enough, isn't it?
That's a fair point.
I also like Joe's thumbs down webcast.
Right.
He's confusing me with you.
He thinks I did the Radiohead stuff.
Every single good thing that happens is basically Joe's.
I also saw a video with Adam that was good where he was on Richard and Judy's You Say We Pay.
So he's confusing lots of things you've done with me.
Yeah.
And I think that happens to us quite a lot.
Sometimes we get invited on shows and they've clearly invited the other person.
Mm-hmm.
They look a bit disappointed when they see.
You know?
Does that ever happen to you?
No.
So maybe that's what's... Let's say that's it.
hello and welcome to the big british castle we hope you're having lots of jolly fun please obey the rules when you're inside the castle or we'll jolly have to throw you jolly out upon your arse
Hey, listen, listeners, it's now time for the nation's favourite feature, the greatest and cleverest feature in the world.
It's complicated, so get your thinking caps on while we explain exactly what happens.
But first of all, here's the jingle.
Text the nation.
Text, text, text.
Text the nation.
What if I don't want to?
Text the nation.
But I'm using email.
Is that a problem?
It doesn't matter.
Text!
Yes, it's text the nation time.
This is the part of the show where we ask you a thing and you text us what things, what you think of in answer.
But here's the thing.
What is the thing?
Once they text us, we read some of them out on the radio.
Is that loud?
Yeah.
Yeah.
yeah okay so do you get that listeners and this week's subject for text the nation is what's it going to be well it was your idea it was i don't know how to put it pithily but it's kind of pop star trademarks yeah and um you know maybe
as well as your favorite ones, for example, Bowie's eye... Yeah, we should explain what we mean by pop star's trademark.
Some pop stars, usually really famous ones, have a visual trademark.
Physical gimmick, maybe.
A physical gimmick.
But if you're very lucky... It's a natural one.
It's a natural one.
Bowie's multi-colored eyes.
Tom York, he's got... what's going on with his eyes?
I don't know, I think... Slightly lazy eye, with all due respect.
Yeah, I'm not sure.
Something brilliant's going on.
I think whether it's from an illness or I don't know what.
He might be self-conscious about it.
I'm sure he is.
But as far as I'm concerned, it gives him this brilliant mystique and makes him seem even more brilliant.
So if you're very lucky as a pop star, you might have some kind of amazing physical... Kink.
Kink speciality kind of thing.
If you're not so lucky and you haven't got this genetically, you have to kind of invent it.
Right, so you end up with Amy Winehouse's Beehive.
Or Grace Jones's
plaster in the eighties didn't she used to have a really cool plaster yeah or maybe she was she one of the first people to shave a section of her eyebrow possibly maybe I'm imagining that possibly if you're adamant obviously you've got the stripe going across the nose we'd like to know listeners what your physical trademark would be if you were a pop star and this is an area where you've got to innovate you know pop's been going on for for a very long time a lot of the most obvious ones have been used so try and think outside the box
something that you could walk on stage with and people would immediately go, hmm, that person's interesting, even if they sound rubbish.
That's right, that's what I need, you see, to revitalise myself for Song Wars, I need some... but it's no good on the radio, obviously, is it?
Malcolm McLaren used to be brilliant at doing this, right?
He used to come up with the kind of costume and the image before he came up with the star, right?
He came up with the idea of pirates for
Adam and the Ants.
That's right.
Right.
Those Burundi drummers and all that stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What did he come up with for Bow Wow Wow?
What was that image?
Nakedness.
Just a very young girl naked.
Just nudity.
Yeah.
At a picnic.
And hey, who wouldn't like that?
No, exactly.
That was very nice.
Annabella Lewin, was she called?
Something along those lines.
Yeah, what was her... I mean, she... that was sort of scandalous at the time, wasn't it?
It was.
She was really young.
It was, say, a reference to Le Déjeuner sur l'herbe.
Sur l'herbe.
Par Renoir.
Oh, Renoir.
Hey, I love Renoir.
I don't like him so much.
Why don't you like him?
His latest paintings are not very good.
I love all of the Renoir.
What's stupid?
They get me excited.
So, oh...
shall we play the jingle get ourselves into this week's song wars it's time for song wars the war of the songs a couple of tunes by a couple of prongs so check it out
OK, so net piracy.
Yeah.
And there's two obvious ways to go, I would think, with a song about net piracy.
What would you think those ways were, Joe?
I don't know.
To make a song about net piracy would be one way to go.
Well, no, musically.
Oh, I see.
What style?
I would say the obvious style.
Pirate style.
Right, sea shanty.
A shanty style.
Yeah.
Did you go for the sea shanty?
Like a shanty.
Uh-huh.
Yes, exactly like a shanty.
No, I didn't.
No, right.
No.
Now the obvious, the other obvious way of going.
See, I think you've won already because you've actually thought about it.
Uh, what way did you go?
I just went with, uh, kind of, uh, sort of impassioned rock, uh, lecture.
Right.
Shall we hear that then?
Alright then, this is maybe, you know, you remember my meatball song?
Yeah, your Bowie Stadium Rock thing?
Yeah, this is maybe in the same vein as that.
Okay.
Yeah, this doesn't even have a name, but this is a cautionary song about illegal downloading.
You ready, Ben?
You look worried.
You can do it wrong again.
Give me the nod.
Here's the nod.
Imagine Sting without a house, living on the street.
Imagine if Led Zeppelin could not afford to eat.
Imagine if the Rolling Stones had to gnaw on filthy phones That's what might happen if you all keep illegal downloading
The foundations of rock'n'roll will slowly be eroding.
You might get tunes for free, but you'll destroy the industry.
The cops might come knocking at your door, and burnt your senseless to the floor.
Imagine Kate Nash penniless, Amy Winehouse a bruiseless mess, Kylie Minogue without a dress.
Radiohead even more depressed.
Okay, so those things sound quite cool.
I haven't really thought this through.
But that's what might happen if you don't pay for your tunes.
You want to turn the world into some kind of stupid hippie commune.
Without functioning economics, we'll no longer have the stereophonics.
Well, damn it, that sounds better too, but you get what I'm trying to say to you.
Imagine P. Diddy offering a quote.
just to pay the fare to take the bus to the city.
Imagine James Blunt, a stinking vagrant, the Kaiser Chiefs, which used to petty thieves.
Picture the Spice Girls, forced to work as vice girls, and the killers employed as road drillers.
If that's what you really want, then keep on illegal downloading.
They'll have to play live just to survive, in fact it's all the kind already happening.
Bands can't make no money no more Without an international stadium tour If you're gonna download then go ahead Because recorded music's already dead
It's not strictly true.
It's not strictly true that recorded music's already dead, but it did rhyme.
Yeah, yeah.
And also you're sort of ignoring some of the other trickier issues about illegal downloading and the, you know, impact that it has on the industry.
Does your song address those?
Not really, no.
I mean, it is very difficult.
Did you, did you wring your hands a little bit?
Did you have a little bit of anxiety about it?
Because, you know, there are strong arguments both ways, aren't there?
What, that there are arguments pro-illegal downloading?
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, I would say so, yeah.
Would you say so?
Yeah, definitely.
Does your song posit any of those arguments?
Not really.
We'd better hear your song, man.
What kind of approach have you taken?
You know what, I really tried this week.
I really, really did try.
Because I took the comments of the listeners to heart and I thought, well, it's no good me complaining about things if I really don't put 100% in.
So, you know didn't have anything better to do this week and shoved all my other tasks to one side and really tried my nuts off but still I'm gonna lose because you know, because you you've got like because I my song is insane is it it's totally good I'm excited totally demented because I get lost in the music and
Right.
Do you understand?
Yeah.
I'm like a kind of very, very bad Brian Wilson.
Right.
Whereas you're, you're a kind of Richard Stilgoe.
Hey, listen, these are foregone conclusions.
You're offering, let's hear the song and let's, let's make our judgments on the back of the song.
Well, I went the other, I thought that this was the obvious way to go.
Right.
Would be to use a very familiar piece of music.
To actually kind of illegally.
Yeah.
Violate someone's copyright.
Exactly.
In the actual song.
And what would be the best piece of music to use?
Uh, I don't know.
Well, here we go.
Have a listen.
I want to have a look at that film today, but I don't think I'm gonna pay.
Cause I'm bad, and I steal, I don't care, I don't feel, and I'll take anything you got, and I'll put it in my pocket, yeah.
I steal films, I steal books, I steal thoughts, I steal looks, I steal kids.
Well, I don't steal kids by eye, yeah.
That's the mind of a pirate.
Did you hear the hate and greed?
And our beloved entertainment biz is where the dirty pirates feed.
And I don't mean terrorists and their golden compass knock-offs.
I mean you and your downloads.
Oh, I ought to knock your block-offs.
How do you think this stuff gets made?
You think artists create it, they don't get paid?
It's the only reason they do what they do It's not the flipping work, most of that's poo They depend on the money that you idiots give So they can make more crap, and so they can live the good life Yes, the life of the stars, but you're taking their pools And you're taking their cars, you bastards!
Ha ha ha!
You better believe it, pal, cos we're evil, we're scum
And we're gonna play some music And nobody at the party's gonna pay Yes, the world is changing I don't like it, but that's the way it is So we've hooked up some statistics That will show you how you're ruining All the finely tuned mechanics of the internet
have made, possibly.
And even if you're buying other stuff that don't make up for all the phantom profit that you've slaved.
I don't care, cos I'm mental, I'm evil, and I deserve to be locked up.
Cos I'm a ponce, and I smell, and I want to go to hell, cos Satan's got three white
I might have to go and buy it anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
The all-new Adam and Jo podcast has an all-new name.
PODMAX.
The name will never be used out loud or written down, but from now on, whenever you think about the Adam and Jo podcast, think PODMAX.
Yes, Text the Nation this week is all about what kind of a sort of physical visual trademark you'd come up with if you were a
launching yourself as a new kind of a rock act.
Andrew in Newmarket, on one side of my face I'd have a beard but no moustache and on the other side I'd have a moustache but no beard.
That's good.
That's quite good isn't it?
Well you know last week we played a song by Peter Hamill from Van de Graaff Generator and I said on the cover of his album
You can see him on the future now with one side of his heavily bearded face shaved and the other side not.
Well, that's a sort of famous mime artist's trick to kind of draw a line down the middle of your nose and then have one character on one side and then you turn to the right and left, don't you?
Yes.
Offer opposing profiles.
Ooh.
But...
That's a good idea, Andrew.
Here's another good one from Ben Douglas, who says, I would have a continuously bleeding nose and would sing aggressive Britpop.
That's a good idea.
I mean, distressing.
And you'd have to, how would you do that?
You'd have to have some kind of pipe implanted.
Couldn't be real blood, otherwise you'd faint, or it would just be horrible and filthy and disease spreading.
have to be fake blood.
You'd have to after each gig you'd have to have like a medical team standing by to give you infusions.
Well this is if it was real blood.
Yeah.
I'd go for the fake blood.
Well if it was fake would people buy into that?
It's exciting though because when he sang a really powerful lyric it would sort of gush
That reminds me of Andrew WK, do you remember him?
Right.
He was on the cover of his album with his slows all bloody, wasn't he?
And I always just thought that was his thing, because every time I saw a picture of him in the paper at a gig or whatever, he seemed constantly to be bleeding.
Yeah, our old school friend Omar Fadly used to say that the hallmark of a really good heavy metal gig was if his ears bled.
Right.
So that's in that kind of vein, I suppose.
Matt in Bristol, uh, oh no, hang on.
Sorry, Matt in Bristol.
I put a star by yours by mistake, because actually it's not good enough to read.
Sorry about that.
No, hang on, maybe it is.
If I was a pop star, I would always wear Jesus sandals to show off my freaky half a toe.
So, the thing about that is Matt's saying that, look, I've got this freaky half a toe.
If I became a star, a thing that I usually conceal and am slightly anxious about, I'd go the opposite way.
I would trumpet it.
Absolutely.
You know, I'd make it my absolute, the key to my character.
That's the way to go, isn't it?
That's what pop's like.
Yeah, turn it, use it to your advantage.
That's what pop does.
You start off, you get a physical affliction, it makes you feel like an outsider, you use that, that's your strength.
Exactly.
Hi there, this is music artist Beck, Beck Hanson, and you're listening to the Adam and Joe podcast.
I just did a new Beck song about Adam and Joe, so here it is.
Two, three, four.
Adam and Joe with the razor blade overcoat sitting on the fruit machine eating dirty pickles with a paw.
Did you like it?
I hope so.
Thank you.
This is back, now back to the Adam and Jo podcast.
This is one of my favorite ones from Steve in London.
He says, how about gills?
Gills is good.
Gills is very good.
Kind of a fish man.
Well, a webbed, webbed hands.
You know, some people do have slightly webbed fingers.
Webbed feet are common.
I wished that I had webbed hands when I was younger.
Did you?
Why?
Because there was a program called The Man from Atlantis on when I was a totty.
And I just thought that would be the coolest way.
Whenever I was swimming, I used to swim like the man from Atlantis, you know, in a sort of mad... You keep your arms down by your sides and you just wobble about like an eel and you sink, you sink.
But Patrick Duffy was able to do it and, you know, propel himself through the water at terrific speed and also he had wept.
hands, and he was very ashamed of his webbed fingers, but I just thought, no, Patrick Duffy, you're lucky to have the webbed hands.
That would be good though, gills would be great.
You could sing underwater in a massive tank.
Yeah, Gil Scott Heron.
Yeah, well done.
Somebody called Brother Mark, maybe he's a monk, I don't know.
He says, I would stick a post-it on my breast pocket with little reminders like, buy marmalade, play Brixton, or call Jane back.
And that's like Prince writing Slave on his head, right?
Yeah, but a sort of more bureaucratic version thereof.
Yeah, yeah.
I think that's a good idea.
What about the Young Knives?
They pretty much do that kind of thing.
Do they do that?
I mean, they all dress up like middle management folks.
But this is very specific and it would be, wow, what's Brother Mark got on his post-it today?
You know, or for this interview or this concert.
Right.
That would be good.
A bit like chap from Coldplay writing on his hand and stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
Make trade free and all that stuff.
A bit like that, but it would change and be weirder.
Yeah.
That was a great chat!
Here comes another!
Adam and Joe are rockin' the podcast now!
Hi Adam and Jo, I was surprised to hear that some listeners can't tell you apart on the radio.
I think your voices are quite distinctive.
I thought I might help out with a handy spotter's or listener's guide to Adam and Jo.
OK, you ready?
1.
Adam has a deeper, usually quite cheery voice.
Jo's voice is lighter, but with just the occasional slight hint of sarcasm and a teeny bit of cynicism.
2.
Adam seems to like torturing his vocal chords to see what weird voice he can get out.
If you hear a funny voice, it's probably Adam.
Joe doesn't do as many funny voices, but if you hear a West Country accent or a snorting, thanks a lot, Al Gore, it's probably Joe.
3.
Adam can swing from cheery to enraged in one conversation.
Joe keeps a steady voice throughout, although he can sound bored, and he seems to delight in baiting Adam into a fit of rage.
4.
Adam usually loses song wars.
Joe usually wins song wars.
5.
Adam can occasionally get sidetracked from the point he's trying to make.
To be fair, he's usually sidetracked by Joe.
Joe likes making lists to make sure he gets all his points across.
Usually he'll get the numbering wrong.
8.
We then go from 5 to 8.
If someone is talking about movies... Oh, I see, that's, you know, yeah.
Especially 3D movies, it's probably Joe.
If they're talking about Radiohead David Bowie or playing music, it's probably Adam.
If they're telling an anecdote with a healthy dose of name dropping, that'll be Joe.
If they're telling an anecdote that gets them enraged and spluttering, that'll be Adam.
And finally, here's the last one, if they remind you of a favourite uncle who gives you gifts when they visit and tells stories doing all the weird voices, it's Adam.
If they remind you of a cool older cousin who you desperately want to be liked by, but who tuts and rolls his eyes at you, it's Joe.
There you go.
From Clare Laybrick in Norfolk.
That's pretty thorough, isn't it?
Yeah, that's very thorough.
That's scary.
She's put a lot of thought into that.
Yeah, we've been profiling.
Maybe she works for the police.
Yeah, or the government.
Hey, we work for the government.
We do.
We are the government.
We are the government.
We're in the big British castle.
Claire, you're under arrest.
We're going to put you in the dungeon for just being cheeky.
For unauthorised profiling.
Having lovely cheeks.
Hello, my name's Martin Filch.
Hey, this is Jeremy Stench, back with you again.
How are you guys doing?
Did you enjoy?
I hope you enjoyed that.
I'm very proud of it.
I just thought it was one of the... because, you know, I played the character as a bit of a loser this week.
That came through.
It did, didn't it?
It did come through.
I really think that I'm going to get some kind of award.
Cornish is such a cool character.
I love playing him.
It's so nice to be able to live, you know, momentarily in the shoes of someone so wicked.
You're right, Jeremy.
Yes, it's just wicked.
He's wicked.
I've played so many parts.
I've played James Bond in the past on radio.
Have you?
Wolverhampton.
Yes.
I've played Superman.
I played an angry man in a commercial for Mintz this week.
No one's as fun to play as Cornish.
One can take liberties with the world that one simply wouldn't be permitted to in reality.
absolutely you play him to the hilt if i may say so listen everybody out there thank you so much for listening we'll be back live on the radio uh between nine and noon next saturday as adam and joe um and don't forget of course if you'd like to vote for any of the uh segments in the fictional fictional presentation
I feel sorry for you.
Why?
Your character's such a bore.
He is a bore, isn't he?
He goes on.
He's dreadful.
And it must be awful to make yourself up so uglily.
Well, you know, sometimes it's hard for me to separate myself from the roles.
How long do you spend in the make-up chair?
A long time.
A long lot of time.
Yes, no there's the beard and there's the stupid face that I have to put on and whining silly voice that goes on and on.
And the email of course if you'd like to get in touch with any comments about the show is adamandjoe.6music at bbc.co.uk and you can see both of us in repertory in Cheltenham in a production of Where Did You Last See My Trousers?
tickets aren't selling fast, so do hurry.
Bye.